Dear Nyquil,
You were amazing last night. Who knew you could last so long?!
Sincerely, 12 hours later…

Dear officer,
No, my speech isn’t slurred. I’m just talking in cursive.
Sincerely, not as think as you drunk I am.

Dear Edward Cullen,
You stay young forever and sneak into the rooms of young girls? How original.
Sincerely, Peter Pan.

Dear Myspace, Twilight, Pirates and Yahoo,
Ha, ha. Yeah…
Sincerely, Facebook, Harry Potter, Ninjas, and Google.

Dear Facebook,
Please add “In a Wolf Pack with” as a relationship status.
Sincerely, anonymous.

Dear Osama,
Should’ve worn stripes…
Sincerely, Waldo.

Dear world,
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t hate homosexuals.
Sincerely, God.

Dear confused teenage girls,
If your boyfriend is sparkly and he doesn’t want to have sex with you, he’s not a vampire, he’s just gay.
Sincerely, reality.

Dear Zebras,
It’s not our fault that you blend in with NOTHING.
Sincerely, predators.

Dear cold pizza,
You are my favorite breakfast, don’t tell Pop Tart.
Sincerely, hung-over.