1. When I was 5 or so my mom would tell me to lie down before she tied my tie and I just now realized at the age of 19 that she did this because she’s a funeral director.
2. I knew God had a sense of humor when I hesitantly answered the ringing K-Mart payphone, only to hear my best friend, who had misdialed my home phone number, on the other end.
3. My atheist neighbor has helped more people in the past year than my entire congregation has in the past ten.
4. As you were breaking up with me, all I could think about were those mornings when you compared the Pop-Tarts and gave me the one with more frosting.
5. After calculating that I wasted 6500 hours in church the first 25 years of my life, I vowed to spend 6500 hours doing volunteer work that would actually make a difference in the world.
6. As I sat on the park bench in my Chuck Taylors and Buddy Holly glasses, cup of coffee in one hand, cigarette hanging from my mouth and a battered copy of “On the Road” on my knees, I felt I was trying way too hard.
7. Supporting gay rights does not make me a lesbian any more than supporting the civil rights movement made my mother black, you idiot.
8. The worst thing about secret girlfriends is that when they get hit by cars you’re not supposed to cry.
9. I conduct job interviews for a living and nothing gives me a better sense of wielding karma than giving the job to the nervous kid instead of the better qualified arrogant prick.
10. When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, “The person I hoped I’d be by this point in my life.”
11. The day I lost my virginity was the day my Virgin Mobile cell phone broke.