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Animals Talking In All Caps

February 1, 2013 | No Comments » | Topics: Animals, LOL

DID YOU USE MY RAZOR? DON’T ANSWER. I KNOW YOU USED MY RAZOR. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY, AND ON WHAT.

DID YOU USE MY RAZOR?

DON’T ANSWER. I KNOW YOU USED MY RAZOR. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY, AND ON WHAT.

 

WHERE DID WE GET THIS PINOT GRIGIO? IT’S WONDERFUL.  HONESTLY, I DON’T EVEN CARE IF THE BAND PLAYS AS LONG AS WE’VE GOT A COUPLE MORE BOTTLES OF THIS STUFF.

WHERE DID WE GET THIS PINOT GRIGIO? IT’S WONDERFUL. 

HONESTLY, I DON’T EVEN CARE IF THE BAND PLAYS AS LONG AS WE’VE GOT A COUPLE MORE BOTTLES OF THIS STUFF.

 

 

HUSH YOU, MAMA. STOP CRYING OF TEARS. IS GOOD THING I MEET BOY. STILL I HAVE LOVE FOR YOU, BUT I WISH MAKE STRONG BABIES FOR PLOW FIELDS. IS HARD WORK, FIELDS. ALL DAY I DO.  I COME HOME IN MORNING. BELLY MAYBE FULL OF BABIES. THEN WE MAKE FUN DAY TOGETHER. WE GO MARKET AND BUY POTATO.

HUSH YOU, MAMA. STOP CRYING OF TEARS. IS GOOD THING I MEET BOY. STILL I HAVE LOVE FOR YOU, BUT I WISH MAKE STRONG BABIES FOR PLOW FIELDS. IS HARD WORK, FIELDS. ALL DAY I DO. 

I COME HOME IN MORNING. BELLY MAYBE FULL OF BABIES. THEN WE MAKE FUN DAY TOGETHER. WE GO MARKET AND BUY POTATO.

 

OH HEY, GIRL. YOU ON YOUR WAY TO WORK? YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT. I WORKED DOUBLES ALL WEEKEND. NO REST FOR THE WICKED, THOUGH. I HAVE TO BE AT THE PILATES STUDIO IN LIKE, 20 MINUTES. I JUST POPPED HOME FOR A QUICK POWER COSMO AND A SPEED TINKLE. IT WAS NICE RUNNING INTO YOU. WE LIVE TOGETHER, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I SEE MY THERAPIST MORE THAN I SEE YOU. YOU’RE LIKE THE INVISIBLE ROOMMATE. ANYWAY, HAVE FUN AT THE OFFICE. YOUR HAIR LOOKS SUPER CUTE TODAY.

OH HEY, GIRL. YOU ON YOUR WAY TO WORK? YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT. I WORKED DOUBLES ALL WEEKEND. NO REST FOR THE WICKED, THOUGH. I HAVE TO BE AT THE PILATES STUDIO IN LIKE, 20 MINUTES. I JUST POPPED HOME FOR A QUICK POWER COSMO AND A SPEED TINKLE.

IT WAS NICE RUNNING INTO YOU. WE LIVE TOGETHER, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I SEE MY THERAPIST MORE THAN I SEE YOU. YOU’RE LIKE THE INVISIBLE ROOMMATE. ANYWAY, HAVE FUN AT THE OFFICE. YOUR HAIR LOOKS SUPER CUTE TODAY.

 

I TRIED LOOKING FOR A JOB. I TRIED JOINING THE PROTESTS AGAINST INCOME INEQUALITY AND A GOVERNMENT THAT CONSISTENTLY PUTS THE MONETARY INTERESTS OF THE RICH BEFORE THE BASIC WELFARE OF THE CITIZENRY. I EVEN TRIED DOING A LITTLE HUSTLING DOWN BY THE DOCKS WHEN THINGS GOT REALLY DIRE. AT THIS POINT I’M FED UP, DESPERATE, AND I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO LOSE. NOW HAND ME THAT SHOTGUN AND STEP ASIDE. I’M GETTING THE CABLE TURNED BACK ON BY THIS WEEKEND IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO.

I TRIED LOOKING FOR A JOB.

I TRIED JOINING THE PROTESTS AGAINST INCOME INEQUALITY AND A GOVERNMENT THAT CONSISTENTLY PUTS THE MONETARY INTERESTS OF THE RICH BEFORE THE BASIC WELFARE OF THE CITIZENRY.

I EVEN TRIED DOING A LITTLE HUSTLING DOWN BY THE DOCKS WHEN THINGS GOT REALLY DIRE.

AT THIS POINT I’M FED UP, DESPERATE, AND I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO LOSE. NOW HAND ME THAT SHOTGUN AND STEP ASIDE. I’M GETTING THE CABLE TURNED BACK ON BY THIS WEEKEND IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO.

 

THERE YOU ARE. I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR OVER AN HOUR. HAVE YOU SEEN MY XANAX? I’M ABOUT TO LOSE MY SHIT. NO. I HAD A HEADACHE, SO I TOOK THE LAST OF YOUR ASPIRIN. THEN I FELT REALLY GOOD FOR A WHILE. THEN I PASSED OUT FOR LIKE … FIVE HOURS. I WOKE UP AND ATE ABOUT FOUR MICROWAVE MEALS. NOW I’M JUST WAITING FOR THE SUNSET BECAUSE IT’S A CONSTANT SOURCE OF UNDERAPPRECIATED BEAUTY IN THIS CHAOTIC AND SEEMINGLY CRUEL WORLD. DON’T YOU AGREE? OBVIOUSLY THOSE WERE MY XANAX, DAVID, AND I HATE YOU. THAT’S UNFORTUNATE. I DON’T HATE ANYONE BECAUSE WE’RE ALL PART OF THE SAME FLOW OF COSMIC ENERGY, SHARING ONE CONSCIOUSNESS, INCHING EVER FORWARD TOWARD THE pINE LIGHT OF UNDERSTANDING AND TRANSCENDENCE. YOU’RE A DICK, DAVE. WE’RE ALL ONE DICK, ANDREW. THAT’S WHAT I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU.

THERE YOU ARE. I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR OVER AN HOUR. HAVE YOU SEEN MY XANAX? I’M ABOUT TO LOSE MY SHIT.

NO. I HAD A HEADACHE, SO I TOOK THE LAST OF YOUR ASPIRIN. THEN I FELT REALLY GOOD FOR A WHILE. THEN I PASSED OUT FOR LIKE … FIVE HOURS. I WOKE UP AND ATE ABOUT FOUR MICROWAVE MEALS. NOW I’M JUST WAITING FOR THE SUNSET BECAUSE IT’S A CONSTANT SOURCE OF UNDERAPPRECIATED BEAUTY IN THIS CHAOTIC AND SEEMINGLY CRUEL WORLD. DON’T YOU AGREE?

OBVIOUSLY THOSE WERE MY XANAX, DAVID, AND I HATE YOU.

THAT’S UNFORTUNATE. I DON’T HATE ANYONE BECAUSE WE’RE ALL PART OF THE SAME FLOW OF COSMIC ENERGY, SHARING ONE CONSCIOUSNESS, INCHING EVER FORWARD TOWARD THE pINE LIGHT OF UNDERSTANDING AND TRANSCENDENCE.

YOU’RE A DICK, DAVE.

WE’RE ALL ONE DICK, ANDREW. THAT’S WHAT I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU.

 

THEY’RE ‘FEETS BY DRE’ NOISE CANCELING SOCKS AND THE BASS RESPONSE IS INSANE. I’M LISTENING TO CAT STEVENS AND IT SOUNDS LIKE DUBSTEP.

THEY’RE ‘FEETS BY DRE’ NOISE CANCELING SOCKS AND THE BASS RESPONSE IS INSANE.

I’M LISTENING TO CAT STEVENS AND IT SOUNDS LIKE DUBSTEP.

 

MOM, SERIOUSLY! STOP! I’VE GOT LIKE … FORTY POUNDS OF PRODUCT IN MY HAIR RIGHT NOW! IT’S A “MESSY LOOK” OKAY? THERE’S NOTHING TO FIX! I STYLE IT LIKE THAT ON PURPOSE TO AFFECT AN AIR OF UNCONCERNED NONCHALANCE AND EFFORTLESS COOL!

MOM, SERIOUSLY! STOP! I’VE GOT LIKE … FORTY POUNDS OF PRODUCT IN MY HAIR RIGHT NOW! IT’S A “MESSY LOOK” OKAY? THERE’S NOTHING TO FIX! I STYLE IT LIKE THAT ON PURPOSE TO AFFECT AN AIR OF UNCONCERNED NONCHALANCE AND EFFORTLESS COOL!

 

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE FLOWERS? THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM! AND THEY’RE BEUTERFUL. BOOTIFALL? THEY’RE REALLY PRETTY. I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, YOU BELLIGERENT DRUNK SHITHEAD, IF YOU DO NOT TURN AROUND AND AT LEAST TRY TO HELP ME GET YOU BACK TO THE HOTEL. YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. I LOVE FLOWERS AND TEQUILA AND THE WAY YOUR BACK SMELLS. I’M GOING TO BURY YOU, AND THEN YOU CAN BECOME FLOWERS. I WOULD BE PRETTY YELLOW ONES. … I HATE SO MUCH YOU RIGHT NOW.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE FLOWERS? THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM! AND THEY’RE BEUTERFUL. BOOTIFALL? THEY’RE REALLY PRETTY.

I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, YOU BELLIGERENT DRUNK SHITHEAD, IF YOU DO NOT TURN AROUND AND AT LEAST TRY TO HELP ME GET YOU BACK TO THE HOTEL.

YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. I LOVE FLOWERS AND TEQUILA AND THE WAY YOUR BACK SMELLS.

I’M GOING TO BURY YOU, AND THEN YOU CAN BECOME FLOWERS.

I WOULD BE PRETTY YELLOW ONES.

… I HATE SO MUCH YOU RIGHT NOW.

 

NOW IS THE TIME. THIS IS THE HOUR. OURS IS THE MAGIC. OURS IS THE POWER. NOW IS THE TIME. THIS IS THE HOUR. OURS IS THE MAGIC. OURS IS THE POWER. NOW IS THE TIME. THIS IS THE HOUR. OURS IS THE MAGIC. OURS IS THE POWER. THE SAME UNDERNEATH AS IT IS ON TOP. … THAT CAN’T BE THE WAY THAT GOES, SARAH. IT’S SOMETHING LIKE THAT. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MEMORIZE THE RITUAL BOOK. I KEEP FORGETTING IT IN MY LOCKER.=

NOW IS THE TIME. THIS IS THE HOUR. OURS IS THE MAGIC. OURS IS THE POWER.

NOW IS THE TIME. THIS IS THE HOUR. OURS IS THE MAGIC. OURS IS THE POWER.

NOW IS THE TIME. THIS IS THE HOUR. OURS IS THE MAGIC. OURS IS THE POWER.

THE SAME UNDERNEATH AS IT IS ON TOP.

… THAT CAN’T BE THE WAY THAT GOES, SARAH.

IT’S SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MEMORIZE THE RITUAL BOOK.

I KEEP FORGETTING IT IN MY LOCKER.

 

WE’RE GOING TO MCDONALD’S? BOOM! CHICKEN NUGGET DANCE! 

WE’RE GOING TO MCDONALD’S? BOOM! CHICKEN NUGGET DANCE! 

 

SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, ROB. SHE DOESN’T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE, AND YOU NEED TO RESPECT THAT. JUST WALK AWAY, ROB. DON’T MAKE US DO SOMETHING YOU’LL REGRET.

SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, ROB.

SHE DOESN’T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE, AND YOU NEED TO RESPECT THAT.

JUST WALK AWAY, ROB.

DON’T MAKE US DO SOMETHING YOU’LL REGRET.

 

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY “TAKE A BREAK” EXACTLY? JUST TAKE A LITTLE REST? BECAUSE DATING ME IS SO MUCH WORK AND YOU’RE TIRED? JUST SAY YOU WANT TO BREAK UP YOU PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PIECE OF SHIT. NOBODY “TAKES A BREAK”. YOU DON’T LOVE ME? FINE. YOU CAN’T KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS? FINE. BUT TAKE SOME PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THOSE FEELINGS AND RESPECT ME ENOUGH NOT TO ASK ME TO AGREE TO LET YOU GO SLEEP AROUND WHILE I SIT AT HOME AND WATCH TV OR WHATEVER. WHAT ARE YOU, SIXTEEN? DID YOU THINK I’D JUST SAY “SURE”?  GET OFF MY BEACH, AND DON’T CALL ME IN A MONTH WITH SOME HALFASSED APOLOGY. AND PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T FORGET TO TAKE YOUR SHITTY DUBSTEP RECORDS WITH YOU.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY “TAKE A BREAK” EXACTLY? JUST TAKE A LITTLE REST? BECAUSE DATING ME IS SO MUCH WORK AND YOU’RE TIRED?

JUST SAY YOU WANT TO BREAK UP YOU PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PIECE OF SHIT. NOBODY “TAKES A BREAK”. YOU DON’T LOVE ME? FINE. YOU CAN’T KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS? FINE. BUT TAKE SOME PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THOSE FEELINGS AND RESPECT ME ENOUGH NOT TO ASK ME TO AGREE TO LET YOU GO SLEEP AROUND WHILE I SIT AT HOME AND WATCH TV OR WHATEVER. WHAT ARE YOU, SIXTEEN? DID YOU THINK I’D JUST SAY “SURE”? 

GET OFF MY BEACH, AND DON’T CALL ME IN A MONTH WITH SOME HALFASSED APOLOGY. AND PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T FORGET TO TAKE YOUR SHITTY DUBSTEP RECORDS WITH YOU.

 

MS. HANSEN? Oh my god, what are you? What are you? You are so cute. I’M DOGTOR BUTTONS, CHIEF CARDIOLOGIST. I’M SORRY, MS. HANSEN, BUT WE WERE UNABLE TO SAVE YOUR MOTHER. WE DID EVERYTHING WE COULD.  Oh. Okay. That’s fine. You’re the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Look at you. Just look at you. YES, JUST LOOK AT ME. I THINK THAT’S BEST. THERE ARE SOME FORMS WE’D LIKE YOU TO FILL OUT, IF YOU DON’T MIND. WE USED TO RECOMMEND GRIEF COUNSELORS BUT NOWADAYS WE BASICALLY JUST HAVE PEOPLE PLAY WITH MY EARS FOR TEN MINUTES. WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? Oh my god yes. I love you. I love you so much. I KNOW YOU DO, MS. HANSEN. I LOVE YOU TOO.  ATKINS, YOU CAN PUT ME DOWN NOW. TELL SUSAN TO BRING THE ORGAN PROCUREMENT FORMS AND COME GET ME WHEN MRS. MITCHELL IS PREPPED FOR THAT BYPASS. 

MS. HANSEN?

Oh my god, what are you? What are you? You are so cute.

I’M DOGTOR BUTTONS, CHIEF CARDIOLOGIST. I’M SORRY, MS. HANSEN, BUT WE WERE UNABLE TO SAVE YOUR MOTHER. WE DID EVERYTHING WE COULD. 

Oh. Okay. That’s fine. You’re the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Look at you. Just look at you.

YES, JUST LOOK AT ME. I THINK THAT’S BEST. THERE ARE SOME FORMS WE’D LIKE YOU TO FILL OUT, IF YOU DON’T MIND. WE USED TO RECOMMEND GRIEF COUNSELORS BUT NOWADAYS WE BASICALLY JUST HAVE PEOPLE PLAY WITH MY EARS FOR TEN MINUTES. WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?

Oh my god yes. I love you. I love you so much.

I KNOW YOU DO, MS. HANSEN. I LOVE YOU TOO. 

ATKINS, YOU CAN PUT ME DOWN NOW. TELL SUSAN TO BRING THE ORGAN PROCUREMENT FORMS AND COME GET ME WHEN MRS. MITCHELL IS PREPPED FOR THAT BYPASS. 

 

PRELIMINARY REPORT: SUBJECT IS MALE, MID TWENTIES, NO KNOWN AILMENTS. ELECTROLYTE PROFILE SHOWS MODERATELY ELEVATED LEVELS OF HYDROGEN PHOSPHATE, POSSIBLY RELATED TO RECENT DIETARY INTAKE OR ACTIVITY. FIRST PHASE METABOLOMIC SAMPLING SHOWS SERINE DEFICIENCY IN AMINO ACID PROFILE. TRIGLYCERIDE LEVELS SEEM ELEVATED, BUT THAT COULD BE DUE TO THE PECULIARITIES OF SEBACIOUS GLAND DISTRIBUTION IN HUMAN SUBJECTS. FURTHER RESEARCH REQUIRED. WITHOUT TAKING HIM BACK TO THE LAB THE BEST I CAN OFFER IS A GUESS, BUT I’D SAY THE SUBJECT IS GOING TO SCRATCH MY HEAD AND RUB MY BELLY BECAUSE I’M CUTE AS HELL.

PRELIMINARY REPORT: SUBJECT IS MALE, MID TWENTIES, NO KNOWN AILMENTS. ELECTROLYTE PROFILE SHOWS MODERATELY ELEVATED LEVELS OF HYDROGEN PHOSPHATE, POSSIBLY RELATED TO RECENT DIETARY INTAKE OR ACTIVITY. FIRST PHASE METABOLOMIC SAMPLING SHOWS SERINE DEFICIENCY IN AMINO ACID PROFILE. TRIGLYCERIDE LEVELS SEEM ELEVATED, BUT THAT COULD BE DUE TO THE PECULIARITIES OF SEBACIOUS GLAND DISTRIBUTION IN HUMAN SUBJECTS. FURTHER RESEARCH REQUIRED.

WITHOUT TAKING HIM BACK TO THE LAB THE BEST I CAN OFFER IS A GUESS, BUT I’D SAY THE SUBJECT IS GOING TO SCRATCH MY HEAD AND RUB MY BELLY BECAUSE I’M CUTE AS HELL.

(via)

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