Someone telling me that they appreciate me or something I’ve done. Seriously, seems so small but causes such a warm feeling.
When you forget it’s Friday in the middle of your work day, then as you are about to leave you remember. It’s like a miniature brain orgasm.
Hearing a new song and knowing I’m gonna like it.
Sitting on the grass on a slightly windy, but aggressively sunny day, knowing that I have no obligations whatsoever for the entire day.
Waking up on a day where i don’t have to go anywhere, and finding out that its pouring rain.
If it’s not cloudy, then looking at the stars and feeling both infinitely small and and infinitely worthy.
Waking up in the morning and realizing that I still have more time to sleep and being able to go back to sleep.
Falling asleep to the sound of rain outside my window
Being in a situation where some psuedo-authority figure is yelling/mad at you. Then suddenly you realise as an adult you can just get up and leave with zero consequences.
Smiling at a girl and getting the smile returned.
Coming home from a long day and taking my pants off immediately.
When I was younger I use to love watching the rain drops race down the window. I still do, I guess.
Being at the grocery store and realising that I, as an adult, can buy nothing but ice cream for dinner and no-one can say shit about it.
Napping uninterrupted. Bonus if it’s dark and rainy outside.
The first twenty seconds of a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. I don’t care after that.
A good dog by my side.
I enjoy when someone says to me, “You look good today.” It really is the small things.
Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will..
Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. While those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
1 —“ APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside; I’ve only just finished cleaning.”
2 —“ TIME TRAVEL: “If you don’t behave, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
3 —“ LOGIC: “Because I said so, that’s why!”
4 —“ FORESIGHT: “Make sure you’ve got clean underwear on in case you’re in an accident.”
5 —“ OSMOSIS: “Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.”
6 —“ CONTORTION: “Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck.”
7 —“ STAMINA: “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is finished.”
8 —“ TERRORISM: “Your room looks like a bomb’s hit it.”
9 —“ SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS: “If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, THEN would you listen?”
10 —“ OXYMORONS: “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times; don’t exaggerate.”
11 —“ IMPROVEMENT BY EXAMPLE: “Stop acting like your father.”
12 —“ ENVY: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have parents as good as yours!
The feeling of ‘clicking’ with someone else’s personality instantly, and being able to talk about anything even if you’ve only known each other for a few hours.
When questions on an exam give away the answers to other questions on the same exam.
Laughing so hard you start to cry.
Cracking up so much while you’re trying to tell a funny story that you can’t even speak, and everyone else can’t help but laugh along with you even though they haven’t got a clue what you’re laughing about.
When nobody else uses the public restroom the entire time you’re in there.
Sitting outside during a thunderstorm. The sound of the thunder, the flash of lightning and the smell of rain to remind you of the beauty of nature.
Popping bubble wrap.
That instant when the thing you didn’t understand suddenly makes complete sense.
Seeing the person who makes your heart race, even if its just for a few seconds in the hallway.
Making a completely random guess and getting it right.
When you’ve found or made the perfect gift for someone and you just can’t wait to give it to them.
Waking up, realizing it’s the weekend, and curling up for another thirty minutes of sleep.
The “butterflies in your stomach” feeling of a new romantic relationship.
The hilarity of an inside joke. You’ll never get it unless you were there at its inception.
Realizing there’s nowhere else you would rather be right now.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
you can identify universities by their internet domains.
you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
you have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have footnotes.
you understand jokes about Foucoult.
the concept of free time scares you.
you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
you’ve ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
the professor doesn’t show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
you’ve ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you’ll get over it).
you can read course books and cook at the same time.
you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.
you’ve ever worn out a library card.
you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
you’ve ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.
you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider “yours.”
you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
you look forward to summers because you’re more productive without the distraction of classes.
you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
you consider all papers to be works in progress.
professors don’t really care when you turn in work anymore.
you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it’s a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
you find yourself explaining to children that you are in “20th grade”.
you start refering to stories like “Snow White et al.”
you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as “personal communication”.
1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all like many of the principles on which this great country was founded; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. That will finish in a sex scene.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphaous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says, “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: “Enter Password Now”.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit. In addition, every front door can be opened from the outside without having to use a key.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”