1. There’s an amazing Chinese takeaway place a minutes walk (if that) from my house and I often pay for deliveries. I can’t look the delivery dude in the eye.
2. I used to live directly across the street from a pizza place. At a cross walk. I would still order delivery rather than walk across the street to get it. The guy wouldn’t even get in his car most times. I could watch him walk across from my living room. I’m actually fairly fit. Just didn’t want to put on outdoor clothes. Yes I tipped decently. When it would be raining, he’d drive.
3. Rotate the batteries twice in the remote. Still wont work, watch Golden Girls marathon.
4. Sometimes, when I’m really hungry, I’ll just take a nap because it’s easier than making food.
5. If I have to put something fragile on the floor, like my phone, instead of bending to put it down gently, I drop it on my foot to ‘soften’ the impact, and then let it roll off the slope off the foot.
6. I have remote controlled outlets in my room, so that I can turn on/off any electronic device without getting out of bed.
7. My light is the opposite end of the room. I sometimes call my brother in, ask a random question, and say “oh can you turn my light on?” as if it’s an after thought.
8. Sometimes I’m too lazy to dry myself after a shower so I end up just sitting on the edge of the tub or standing until I eventually just air-dry.
9. The other day, i was laying in bed, and my Roku remote was on my desk, literally 5 feet away. Rather than stand up to get it, I grabbed my phone, downloaded the Roku app, and used my phone to stop the movie. 5 feet.
Shout out to all the grandpas and grandmas who never say no.
“I’m just here following my dreams.”
1. When you’re sitting by yourself in a public place and someone sits next to you, your first instinct is great. I hope they don’t start talking to me.
2. Then they start talking and you’re like, FUCK.
3. They’re blah blahing about their day while you silently wonder who you pissed off recently to warrant this kind of karmic retribution.
4. And then you consider how to escape the situation and/or wonder how long it’s going to be until they stop talking.
5. You don’t even try to hide your side eye anymore. It’s basically an art form at this point. Like, your friends have actually complimented you on your side eye before it’s that good.
6. Any small space where you get stuck with other people is basically your own personal hell. Elevators, the cream/sugar corner at a cafe, waiting in line. These are all TERRIBLE places to get stuck with strangers.