LOL
10 More Seriously Funny Dear Blank Letters
June 6, 2011 | 10 Comments » | Topics: LOL, Writing |
Dear Nyquil,
You were amazing last night. Who knew you could last so long?!
Sincerely, 12 hours later…
Dear officer,
No, my speech isn’t slurred. I’m just talking in cursive.
Sincerely, not as think as you drunk I am.
Dear Edward Cullen,
You stay young forever and sneak into the rooms of young girls? How original.
Sincerely, Peter Pan.
Dear Myspace, Twilight, Pirates and Yahoo,
Ha, ha. Yeah…
Sincerely, Facebook, Harry Potter, Ninjas, and Google.
Dear Facebook,
Please add “In a Wolf Pack with” as a relationship status.
Sincerely, anonymous.
Dear Osama,
Should’ve worn stripes…
Sincerely, Waldo.
Dear world,
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t hate homosexuals.
Sincerely, God.
Dear confused teenage girls,
If your boyfriend is sparkly and he doesn’t want to have sex with you, he’s not a vampire, he’s just gay.
Sincerely, reality.
Dear Zebras,
It’s not our fault that you blend in with NOTHING.
Sincerely, predators.
Dear cold pizza,
You are my favorite breakfast, don’t tell Pop Tart.
Sincerely, hung-over.
10 Comments »
Dear Hipster Record Store Clerk
June 1, 2011 | No Comments » | Topics: LOL, Writing |
Dear Hipster Record Store Clerk,
Thank you for judging me on the CD I bought yesterday. Our passive-aggressive altercation made me realize how conformist I am for buying an old Rage Against The Machine album. Your condescension was just the intellectual wake-up call I needed.
I discovered a new me yesterday, and my eyes were opened in a new way. Thanks to you, I realize now that the key to enlightenment is reading Pitchfork, watching High Fidelity, listening to Velvet Underground, having a tattoo of a star on the inside of my wrist, growing an ironic mustache, living in the Mission, and wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70′s ski-vest, chunky plastic-frame glasses, a high school sports T-shirt, air-tight black jeans, and Nixon-era Chuck Taylors.
I had it all wrong, man. You showed me that a skilled job and a comfortable living is just a lie. I need to go to art school, have my parents pay my rent, join a Joy Division-influenced band, and wait for a record deal, like you. I’m totally missing out in life.
So thanks again for mocking me. I mean, at first I thought you were just a pathetic, frustrated musician trying to feel better about yourself. But now I see you’re an uncompromising visionary.
No one will ever understand you. You’re so different.
Signed,
Everyone Not Like You
No Comments »
15 Random Musings That Should Be Ruminated Upon
May 31, 2011 | No Comments » | Topics: LOL, Writing |
all via Ruminations.com, an awesome site that you should visit on a daily basis.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Vegetarians and vegans spend entirely too much time trying to make vegetables taste like meat. You made your choice, now live with it hippie!
If you’re reading a book to your child and you decide to do a funny voice, you better be prepared to repeat that voice for like 3 fucking years.
There is no greater sense of accomplishment than rapping an entire part of a song perfectly.
Mental Note: Actual notes work better.
There are 470 tiles on my church’s ceiling.
I have a hard time grasping the fact that in other countries, peoples thoughts are in a different language.
Remember when you had to go to channel 3 to play video games?
Texting and driving is easy, I don’t know what the big
You’re the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?
The “don’t talk to me about kids until you have a kid” people are extremely annoying. I don’t think I need to produce another human being to know it’s problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his bitch.
I wonder how many twins are going by the wrong name because their parents mixed them up when they were babies…
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Guys- what you lack in height does not need to be made up for in pure, unadulterated douchebaggery
If you’re reading a book to your child and you decide to do a funny voice, you better be prepared to repeat that voice for like 3 fucking years.
No Comments »
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road According To Famous Historical Figures
May 13, 2011 | 4 Comments » | Topics: LOL |
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answers:
——–
Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.
Timothy Leary:
Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it
take.
Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences
into being.
John Locke:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus:
It doesn’t matter; the chicken’s actions have no meaning except to
him.
4 Comments »
Quick Management Potential Quiz
May 10, 2011 | No Comments » | Topics: LOL |
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “manager.” The questions are not that difficult.
- How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. - How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions. - The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities. - There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four-year old.
No Comments »
10 Seriously Funny Dear Blank Letters
May 10, 2011 | No Comments » | Topics: LOL, Writing |
Dear reader,
Please do me right now. On the kitchen table. In your bed. On the couch. Shoot, I’ll even take the floor in front of the T.V. I don’t care, I just need you to do me like I’ve never been done before.
Sincerely, your homework.
Dear sneeze,
Please come out of my nose already.
Sincerely, my about-to-sneeze face looks weird.
Dear drivers,
We are pleased to announce we now accept payment in the form of: An arm, a leg, 50% of your yearly salary, your first born child or your soul.
Sincerely, your local gas station.
Dear hypocrites,
Please stop thinking that just because you go to church it makes you Christian. That’s about as valid as standing in a garage and calling yourself a car.
Sincerely, I can see right through you.
Dear natural selection,
If vegetables are so good for us, why do our taste buds hate them so much?
Sincerely, anonymous.
Dear chicken and the egg,
Does it really matter who came first? Because I win anyway.
Sincerely, the frying pan.
Dear crazy ex-girlfriend,
What were you smoking when you thought telling me you were pregnant for April Fools and drawing it out the whole 24 hours was a good idea.
Sincerely, good bye.
Dear Facebook,
Thanks for making the word “friend” so meaningless.
Sincerely, 3480 “friends.”
Dear Christians who protest everything,
Please go back and reread your Bibles. It’s “love thy neighbor” not “condemn thy neighbor to hell just because you don’t agree with them on something.”
Sincerely, a loving Catholic girl.
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, anonymous.
(via)
No Comments »
In A Perfect World (23 Pictures)
May 9, 2011 | No Comments » | Topics: Art, LOL |
No Comments »
A Letter Home From College
April 26, 2011 | No Comments » | Topics: LOL, Writing |
Letter home from school…
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
A week later….. a letter from “home”
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
No Comments »
5 Classic Pieces Of Literature Ultra-Condensed For People With No Time For Books In The Modern World
April 25, 2011 | 1 Comment » | Topics: LOL, Writing |
The Sun Also Rises
By Ernest Hemingway
Stock Hemingway Narrating Character
It was in Europe after the war. We were depressed. We drank a lot. We were still depressed.
THE END
1 Comment »
30 Disturbingly Creepy Easter Bunnies
April 23, 2011 | 4 Comments » | Topics: LOL, Pics |
