I hope you realize that my perving was directed at you and only you, and absolutely no part of it was meant for your young daughter (niece? juvenile jogging companion?). As implied, I enjoy the perks of jogging at Audubon, and one of those is a bit of ogling on the sly. It helps me forget that it’s been too long since I was jogging regularly, and I usually wear sunglasses to keep my baser proclivities to myself. You are stacked, I like redheads, my sunglasses were missing…you see where this is going. Anyway, I must congratulate you on getting your young companion to to run completely concealed behind you, only to emerge at what was, for me, the worst possible time. Do you practice that? It must be the best ogle-stopper in the business. I swear, when she popped out from behind you, my libido panicked and imploded in about a nanosecond, and it took effort not to loose a cry of “Dirty pool!” Well played, MILF.
Anyway, I am sorry if the young lady was hit with creep-shrapnel. That really isn’t my thing. I apologize if my perusing of your goods was offensive, too. See you around?
Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. Clean up mess. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Move over Tony Robbins, there is a new motivational speaker in town and his going to do whatever it takes to help you get motivated, even if it means knocking himself out, literally.
The video isn’t a total failure. I was pretty inspired by that piece of wood. Kudos to the wood in not giving up till the very end. Good job plywood.
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
As stupid as this video is, I find it equally entertaining and have watched it countless times since it was sent to me. I’m pretty sure I can attribute a good share of its mesmerizing quality to Natalie Portman’s hotness but there’s a Tim And Eric essence to it that gets you. Also Brendan Frasier and his lousy fail clap makes a special guest appearence as well.
Here’s a pretty awesome animation of what it would look like if superheroes decided to jump on the beard growing, Pabst Blue Ribbon drinking, Pitchfork listening, Bulkowski reading, hipster band wagon of irony and prententiousness.
Here’s a pretty awesome animation set to the phone call of our 36 president of the United States Of America, Lyndon Baines Johnson ordering up a bunch of pants for the summertime. It’s awesome in the sense that there are no formalities and you can hear him burp, talk about his bunghole and his crotch.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson .
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me “In the Lake.”
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said “No, jump in!”
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”
I respect anyone who can tell an 11 minute story and captivate me all the way through and without me switching between browser tabs to check my mail, Facebook, Twitter and any other distraction widely available at my finger tips. I sat through the entire damn 11 minute video which is pretty freaking rare. Even if a video had the meaning of life in it, but was 11 minutes long, I’d have trouble watching an 11 minute video. I can officially say that our attention spans are definitely fucked but if you have the patience, this video is pretty damn hilarious. Enjoy.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out”?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
If Jimmy cracks corn and noone cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?