U.S. Tax revenue: $ 2,170,000,000,000
. Fed budget: $ 3,820,000,000,000
. New debt: $ 1,650,000,000,000
. National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
. Recent budget cut: $ 38,500,000,000
. Annual family income: $ 21,700
. Money the family spends: $ 38,200
. New debt on the credit card: $ 16,500
. Outstanding balance on credit card: $142,710
. Total budget $ 385
The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
If you don’t like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It’s only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
Number of years they have been married ________________________________
If less than your age, explain ________________________________________
Do you own a van? _______________
A truck with oversized tires? _______________
A pickup with a mattress in the back?_______________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a navel ring? _______________
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?______________________
In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
Church you attend ____________________________________________________
How often you attend _________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman’s place is in the:
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER
TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not
try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you
injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two
gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are. After that we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.
The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges. It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Alfred D Souza said, “For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time … and remember that time waits for no one…
So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you’ve had a drink, until you’ve sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy…
Author: Crystal Boyd , 1998. From the book: “Midnight Muse.”