My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. Actually, on second thought I’ll shoot him, then say “No.”
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
I’m not going to try to explain any of these videos….all you need to know is that they came from Japan. The End.
A More Effective Way Of Saying ‘No’
via The Oatmeal
I know the internet will hate me for this but I wanted to balance out the internet universe and their partiality to cats and so here is a list of the many reasons why dogs rock!
1. They Are Grateful
Ever stop to look at an item of clothing or hairstyle you spot on the street and think to yourself, “what the hell was I thinking?” We’ve all been there. From the shoes you wore to the watches that told you time, all of us have been victims of trends that today make us realize how lame we must have been.
There are ten in particular that I’ve spotted and I think you’ll get a kick out of them…
We all do dumb things. Some of us do some very, very dumb things. And unfortunately, everybody has a camera on their phone these days meaning you are always being watched. Then when you factor in the fact that a good portion of the world is involved in some sort of social media…you realize there’s a good chance your worst and most embarrassing moments could show up online for the whole world to see. Not a good thing when you realize that universities and employers are starting to use social media sites to makes decisions on hiring people for jobs and accepting people into colleges. So it may be a good idea to check your profiles and hide any of the following types of pictures.
Watching WWE over the years, there are plenty of memorable moments.
You cheer because your favorite wrestler has just won a match, or because the wrestler you hate the most loses his match.
You go through many emotions as a WWE fan every week, but there are those certain moments that grabbed a hold of you and you will soon to never forget them.
I have narrowed my list of heartfelt moments down to 10.
It wasn’t easy, however, it wasn’t hard for me to think back and remember the moments that captured my heart, because they are still on my mind every day.
Most of the time, guys can tell the difference between films geared toward them and films that are geared toward women. It’s pretty simple. We just know to stay away from any movie starring Amanda Seyfried, and instead, use that money to go see films that star Jason Statham. Every now and then though, Hollywood tries to trick us. At first glance, the films below have all of the characteristics that make them seem like guy movies (sports, sex, large objects being blown up, crazy action scenes, unbelievably hot women, etc.), but in reality, they are really just giant romantic mush-fests.
Click to view the list (external link)