Here’s a freaking funny ass video showing you what it would look like if there was a Foursquare app made especially for sex. Although my Foursquare check-ins would always be in my room…alone…with my right hand…I’m going to proceed to jump off a bridge now.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
For a female: Any part under a car’s hood.
For a male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: what you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
I hope you realize that my perving was directed at you and only you, and absolutely no part of it was meant for your young daughter (niece? juvenile jogging companion?). As implied, I enjoy the perks of jogging at Audubon, and one of those is a bit of ogling on the sly. It helps me forget that it’s been too long since I was jogging regularly, and I usually wear sunglasses to keep my baser proclivities to myself. You are stacked, I like redheads, my sunglasses were missing…you see where this is going. Anyway, I must congratulate you on getting your young companion to to run completely concealed behind you, only to emerge at what was, for me, the worst possible time. Do you practice that? It must be the best ogle-stopper in the business. I swear, when she popped out from behind you, my libido panicked and imploded in about a nanosecond, and it took effort not to loose a cry of “Dirty pool!” Well played, MILF.
Anyway, I am sorry if the young lady was hit with creep-shrapnel. That really isn’t my thing. I apologize if my perusing of your goods was offensive, too. See you around?
Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. Clean up mess. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Move over Tony Robbins, there is a new motivational speaker in town and his going to do whatever it takes to help you get motivated, even if it means knocking himself out, literally.
The video isn’t a total failure. I was pretty inspired by that piece of wood. Kudos to the wood in not giving up till the very end. Good job plywood.
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
As stupid as this video is, I find it equally entertaining and have watched it countless times since it was sent to me. I’m pretty sure I can attribute a good share of its mesmerizing quality to Natalie Portman’s hotness but there’s a Tim And Eric essence to it that gets you. Also Brendan Frasier and his lousy fail clap makes a special guest appearence as well.
Here’s a pretty awesome animation of what it would look like if superheroes decided to jump on the beard growing, Pabst Blue Ribbon drinking, Pitchfork listening, Bulkowski reading, hipster band wagon of irony and prententiousness.
Here’s a pretty awesome animation set to the phone call of our 36 president of the United States Of America, Lyndon Baines Johnson ordering up a bunch of pants for the summertime. It’s awesome in the sense that there are no formalities and you can hear him burp, talk about his bunghole and his crotch.