1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson .
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me “In the Lake.”
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said “No, jump in!”
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”
I respect anyone who can tell an 11 minute story and captivate me all the way through and without me switching between browser tabs to check my mail, Facebook, Twitter and any other distraction widely available at my finger tips. I sat through the entire damn 11 minute video which is pretty freaking rare. Even if a video had the meaning of life in it, but was 11 minutes long, I’d have trouble watching an 11 minute video. I can officially say that our attention spans are definitely fucked but if you have the patience, this video is pretty damn hilarious. Enjoy.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out”?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
If Jimmy cracks corn and noone cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto Facebook and Gmail. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. Actually, on second thought I’ll shoot him, then say “No.”
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
So you got your Christmas shopping done, you decorated the tree, you hung up the misletoe and the turkey is happily baking in the oven and your thinking to yourself how you covered every base, every nook and every cranny of the holiday season. However, you fucked up! You failed to take into consideration the most overlooked and underconsidered aspect of the season…Zombies! Take a deep breath and sigh in relief, because we got you covered. Here’s a pretty awesome instructional video showing you how to deal with those pesky zombies during the Christmas season.
Here’s a pretty awesome video of some kid reacting to the fact that his parents bought him books for Christmas. This is pretty much the universal reaction every kid will give you if you wrap up books and try to pawn it off as Christmas presents.
Christmas presents are the newest, badest action figure. Christmas presents are video games. Christmas presents are remote control planes. Christmas presents are NOT "The Bridge To Terabithia" and "Island Of The Blue Dolphins".
Here’s a pretty awesome social experiment meant to expose the stereotype and prejudice that haunts people who love to wear women’s stockings over their heads. I’m one of those people and I’m sick of people jumping to conclusions when I walk into a store. Just because I love the feel of pantyhose over my face doesn’t necessarily mean I’m about to rob a store.
Here’s a pretty useful video detailing out some handy tips to help you navigate through the stormy seas of a zombie apocalypse. Although the video was intended for a nuclear apocalypse we can only hope and cross our fingers for a zombie apocalypse. Getting mauled and devoured by a swarm of zombies would be a much cooler way to go out than by a fiery inferno.