“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart: I am, I am, I am.”
— Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
This quote is from Sylvia Plath’s novel “The Bell Jar,” which was published in 1963 under the pseudonym Victoria Lucas. The novel is semi-autobiographical, blending elements of Plath’s own life and experiences with the fictional journey of the protagonist, Esther Greenwood. “The Bell Jar” is often hailed for its candid exploration of mental illness, identity, and the societal pressures on women in the 1950s.
The quote is spoken at a pivotal point in Esther’s journey where she acknowledges her will to live and her identity, despite her circumstances. This moment represents a crucial aspect of her recovery process, highlighting her resilience and the flickers of hope that persist even in her darkest times.
The word “brag” suggests a defiance or even arrogance in the face of oblivion. Esther’s heart isn’t just existing, it’s proclaiming its right to exist.
The repetition of “I am, I am, I am” is a powerful assertion of existence. It’s a counter to the feeling of non-being that depression often brings. This affirmation serves as a reminder of her continued presence in the world, despite her profound struggles.
Each “I am” can also be viewed as an act of resistance against the forces (both internal and external) that threaten to undermine Esther’s sense of self. It underscores her determination to survive, to claim her space in the world, and to assert her identity.
Considering Plath’s own struggles with depression and her eventual suicide in 1963, the quote also bears a poignant connection to her personal life.
It reflects the ongoing battle many face with mental health issues and the moments of clarity or defiance against one’s darker impulses.