“We believe we are seeking happiness in love, but what we are really after is familiarity. We are looking to re-create, within our adult relationships, the very feelings we knew so well in childhood and which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care. The love most of us will have tasted early on came entwined with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his or her anger, or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes.
How logical, then, that we should as adults find ourselves rejecting certain candidates not because they are wrong but because they are a little too right—in the sense of seeming somehow excessively balanced, mature, understanding, and reliable—given that, in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign and unearnt. We chase after more exciting others, not in the belief that life with them will be more harmonious, but out of an unconscious sense that it will be reassuringly familiar in its patterns of frustration.”
― Alain de Botton, The Course of Love
This quote from Alain de Botton’s “The Course of Love” delves into the complexities of love and the paradoxes inherent in human relationships, particularly romantic ones.
De Botton is known for his philosophical exploration of human emotions and relationships, and this excerpt is a prime example of how he uncovers the deeper, often subconscious, motivations behind our actions.
The central thesis of this quote is the idea that, contrary to what we often believe, our pursuit of love is not solely a quest for happiness but rather a search for familiarity.
This assertion challenges the conventional romantic narrative that love is about finding joy, comfort, and compatibility.
Instead, de Botton suggests that our romantic choices are significantly influenced by the emotional environments we experienced in childhood.
The quote acknowledges that the love we experience in childhood is complex, often a mix of tenderness and care intertwined with more negative dynamics such as neglect, volatility, or inconsistency from our caregivers.
These early emotional experiences set a template for what love feels like to us, which can include a range of emotions, not just positive ones.
As adults, we unconsciously seek partners who evoke these familiar feelings, even if they are not conducive to a healthy relationship.
This pursuit of familiarity can lead us to reject potential partners who are stable and supportive (“a little too right”) because they do not align with the chaotic blueprint of love we’ve internalized from our childhood.
The notion of “reassuringly familiar patterns of frustration” points to the idea that we are drawn to relationships that replicate the emotional dynamics we grew up with, not because they are healthy, but because they are known to us.
This pursuit is not about finding peace or happiness but about engaging with what feels familiar, even if it is detrimental to our well-being.
De Botton’s analysis here is both illuminating and somewhat disheartening, as it suggests that many of us are trapped in cycles of seeking out unhealthy relationships due to the imprints left on us by our childhood experiences.
However, understanding this dynamic offers a pathway to breaking the cycle. By becoming aware of why we are drawn to certain types of partners and recognizing the difference between familiarity and genuine affection, we can start to make healthier choices in love, seeking out relationships that are not just familiar but are truly nurturing and supportive.