1. Today at the grocery store, I saw this adorable little Asian boy. Maybe 5 or 6, waving and smiling to all of the shoppers, who waved back and said stuff to the kid’s parents like, “Wow, what a friendly guy!”
The kid’s parents didn’t say anything back. Dad turned away with a face like stone, cold and unsmiling, and Mom seized the boy’s hand roughly when he tried to wave at someone else, slapped it, and muttered something to him in irritated, angry Chinese.
And I just thought to myself: this is where it begins.
You grow up happy and friendly and willing to believe in the good of the world, and your APs crush it right out of you. As someone in my mid-30s now, it was traumatic and heartbreaking to see that little scene play out. It was just so suggestive and symbolic of a kid’s natural abilities and dreams being smacked out of them.
2. I’m a 30 year old male. I’m a freaking doctor . I’ve had patients trying to actively die on me while 10 of us are trying to code them. But the most stressful place in the world for me is “home”. Every time I go home, I just feel this burden. I get excited when my parents tell me they have plans to go somewhere. When I hear the garage door open, my heart rate goes up and I get a sinking feeling in my stomach.
When the parents want to come visit me at my own home, I do everything I can to talk them out of it without explicitly stating “I don’t want you to come.” I love them, I really do… but I don’t like them.
3. Asian parent’s have the mental/emotional patience of an incel
Every parent wants their kid to be super obedient, rich doctor, ivy league, 5.0 gpa, 2400 SAT, marries their own race, have a super perfect family; just like how every incel wants a super beautiful girlfriend who is a virgin and obedient.
Just because we can’t obtain that stupid goal, doesn’t mean you can rage like incels when they can’t get a super hot girlfriend that is out their league…
Why can’t asian parents who expect this shit from their children.. .why couldn’t they get super rich jobs and be rich like they expect us?
4. My mom turns small things into 2 hour long rants.
It usually starts by me leaving a shirt on my bedroom floor doesn’t matter how it got there, and when she comes across it she will do what I call, the 5 stages of insults.
At first, it will be minor insults and jabs, like her calling me lazy and that if I act like this I will never get another girlfriend.
Second, she will start nitpicking my room looking for ANYTHING to criticize and yell at me about.
Third, she starts telling me how much of a failure I am for being the best student at school, and that I should be ashamed of myself and that my brother was always better than me.
Fourth is the fun part where she starts telling me that getting therapy was a waste of money and that I am a waste of money, food and space and keeps telling me that she will disown me and cut all connections when I reach 18.
Fifth is basically a repeat of steps one to four but she’s in a louder tone and sitting in my room, saying that shit over and over and over. She doesn’t have anything better to do, and the funny part is that she works at a union, a organization that is based around being MORALLY and ETHICALLY right. like, she I am sure her co workers think she is a great person and all, but at home she is probably my worst nightmare next to my dad. It’s crazy because I can’t tell if she thinks I will be grateful when I’m older and have grandkids, because I sure as hell am not going to be the one taking care of her, nor will I bother ever visiting.
5. My BF is white, I’m Asian. Recently I got to visit my boyfriend’s family with him for a week.
It made me sad because it was really easy to see how much I’m missing out on in terms of emotional support, connection, and affection in my own family.
His mom was super welcoming, adjusted her cooking to work with my food allergies, wanted to get to know me, and invited me along on little day trips to have some time together.
His siblings included me in everything, from nature walks to video games.
They invited extended family over to meet me and had a pizza party.
I’m not in a materially successful phase of my life right now. They didn’t care and were just happy about who I am and the good relationship my BF and I have.
His family genuinely wanted to get to know me – this is not a thing I have experienced with my own family. They asked thoughtful questions, listened to my answers, and were engaged and kind.
If I talked about a hard time in my life, they would say how much strength and resilience it takes to get through something like that. (Instead of my AM telling me I have it easy and am just a complainer and a bad daughter.) When I talked about a hobby my AM would say is stupid, they would actually be interested.
My boyfriend felt happy and emotionally recharged after spending time with his family. It’s the opposite for me – when I’m stuck with my AM I feel exhausted and frustrated, and I don’t look forward to it.
As happy I was to experience that nice family environment, I also felt grief about all I’ve been missing out on over the years.
It really must be nice to have a family where you feel loved and supported for just being yourself
6. Getting out into the world after being raised by Asian parents feels like waking up from a cult
When I was younger, my parents were your stereotypical Asian parents. They would scream at me for the smallest things (my mom once threatened to beat me because I said “oh man” because she thought it was black people language). They would force me to study and tell me any grade under a 98 was a failure. I was terrified of even getting a 96 because I truly thought a 96 was a bad grade.
I didn’t realize this wasn’t normal until I got to college. I was shocked to realize that it was unhealthy to live a life unhealthily obsessing over every test points. I was even more shocked to realize it was possible to have a healthy social life and get good grades at the same time. It was then I started getting the faintest inkling that people in the real world care more about how likable and socially connected you are than whether you got a 96 or 98 on that 9th grade math test.
When I graduated from college and started working, I became even more sharply aware of sheltered I had been in my youth. It’s only made me angrier at my parents, who blissfully live an everyday existence in which they have convinced themselves they raised a “successful” child, without actually dealing with the ramifications I’ve had to go through. As they continue to rub shoulders with their Chinese immigrant friends and brag about how “successful” their kids are, I’m struggling to navigate a world they forced me into and struggling to break free of the decades of brainwashing they put me through. They crippled me, but have the convenient luxury of looking good to their friends without actually living in the body they crippled.
7. How to be an Asian Parent
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Don’t teach your kid any essential life skills, so that you can laugh at them later in life for not knowing how to take care of themselves.
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Judge everything they do and say. Criticise every move they make and tell them what they should be doing instead.
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Demand to know every little detail of their life. No privacy required, boundaries must mean they are doing something they shouldn’t be doing, and hiding it from you.
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Your children are your retirement plan. Make sure to mention this as often as you can once they start their careers and have an income.
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Money is everything. Tell your kids they are wasting money every opportunity you get.
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Take an immediate dislike to your kid’s partner. They are a threat and will encourage your kid to rebel against you and leave you. This must be stopped.
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Your kids can be whatever they want to be, as long as they become a doctor, lawyer, engineer or accountant.
