“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
Rilke wrote “Letters to a Young Poet” as a series of letters to Franz Xaver Kappus, a 19-year-old officer cadet at the Theresian Military Academy, offering advice on life, love, and the creative process. The book was published posthumously in 1929 and has since become a classic, offering invaluable insights into the human experience.
Rilke argues that a truly successful marriage is one in which both partners trust each other to be the “guardian” of their solitude. This means that instead of trying to merge into one entity, each partner respects and encourages the other’s need for personal space, growth, and self-discovery.
He asserts that attempting to completely merge two individuals is not only impossible but also detrimental, as it can stifle each person’s freedom and development. Instead, he advises couples to embrace the “infinite distances” that exist between them, even in the closest of relationships.
By acknowledging and appreciating these distances, partners can develop a “marvelous living side-by-side,” in which they support and love each other while still maintaining their own identities. This allows them to see each other as whole, unique individuals against the backdrop of an “immense sky” of possibilities.
Rilke’s view on marriage challenges the traditional notion of romantic partners becoming one, inseparable entity. Instead, he promotes a more modern, individualistic approach that values personal growth and autonomy within the relationship.
This perspective is particularly relevant in today’s society, where people often struggle to balance their personal identities with the demands of a committed relationship. Rilke’s words encourage couples to find strength in their differences and to support each other’s journeys of self-discovery, rather than trying to conform to a single, unified identity.
By fostering a deep respect for each other’s solitude and personal growth, partners can build a more resilient and fulfilling relationship that allows both individuals to thrive. This approach to marriage emphasizes the importance of trust, understanding, and the celebration of individuality within the bond of love.
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